I wouldn’t change my experience for anything. I mean, I would swap it for a fairy tale ending, but I don’t think that exists. Although it was difficult to navigate through, when I look back and reflect on it, I did truly gain so much insight along the way. Not only for myself, but also to help others navigate through this. Here’s the bad news…betrayal is something that will always stay with you. Unfortunately, it’s never gonna go away. The good news is…You control how much it affects you…just like you would with your radio volume. How high are you gonna let the emotions of betrayal take over and control you? The pain in the early stages, the “volume” is blaring… that’s all that you can think about… you can’t get it out of your mind. You have the following on repeat in your mind “you wanna know the how, where, when, why?” “What is wrong with me?” “What could I have done better?” “I am not good enough.” These are all negative aspects of myself that I was forced to process. It took a traumatic event to shake up these insecurities in me, to then look at and see why I have them.
I like using the analogy of a snow globe. Think about the globe as your body and the snow being your emotions. When you have an external event come along and shake you, it stirs up the snow (the emotions). The snow is flying all over the place in that globe. So many emotions…anger, grief, unworthiness, hate, love, pissed, etc. Slowly, but surely the specs of snow do dissipate. However, they are really still there lying dormant in the blanket of snow on the ground. And all it takes to stir those emotions again is one triggering event. This could be a song that you hear on the radio or passing a restaurant that transports you back to that time period. The emotions are stirred once again…another round of processing begins. These aftershocks happen until you have truly reflected on why the emotions are triggering you.
Eventually, after the season of having the snow globe out (think about Christmas time), you decide to box it away… until next year. The next year comes around and you only have to process the emotions during that season. Then eventually one year, you may get it out of its box and drop it.. shatter it. It’s gone…you’ve processed everything you need to. Yay!! BUT no, years later you are shopping and you see another snow globe that resembles the one that you had. You can feel an aftershock coming, but in that moment, you push your buggy to the next aisle. It becomes a passing thought, a place you no longer dwell in…It’s something you no longer want in your life. This is when you know you are healed.
I want you to know that everything happens for a reason. I actually look back and bless my season of betrayal. If I wasn’t betrayed, I wouldn’t believe I would be the person I am today. I really do love this new version of myself. I also acknowledge even though the other party shook my snowglobe, he was shaken too. But it’s up to him to do his own work. I am only focused on my snow globe. So as I move into this next season of my life, I want to get a new snow globe. Maybe one with sand instead of snow…since I love the beach. And I know that whatever life throws at me, that it does eventually settle and dissipates.
So if you’ve experienced betrayal, know that in the midst of it, your whole body and world is shaken. It takes time, but you will eventually process all the emotions and move to a new snow globe. It’s ok to seek help through therapy or friends. Know that everyone is going through something, You are not alone on this journey.
Here is scripture I pulled for this journal entry:
“So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure you stay free.” Galatians 5:1
“I plead with you to live as I do in freedom from these things.” Galatians 4:12
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