“I Swear” by John Michael Montgomery…I have to change the station when I hear this song. I loathe it!! To this day, the emotions simmer within me when I hear this song, it brings back so much unworthiness, loneliness, and rejection. It genuinely makes me sick to my stomach. I can remember vividly that junior high dance…the one when I was finally going to approach my crush and ask him to dance. My friends behind me encouraging me…as I walk closer, this song starts to play. I ask. He laughs and rejects my offer. Oh, how powerful this traumatic event stayed with me all these years later.
The unworthiness started years prior when I was picked on for not being “pretty enough” by peers. Not only was I picked on by peers, the same comments were validated by adults… talk about crushing. However I’ve always had the tenacity to power through. I told myself this isn’t going to deter me. So here I am at age 43 still thinking about my 13 year old self…still healing from it.
Fast forward to being married for 19 years, divorcing, and then entering into a world so different from how I grew up. The dating apps… The gateway to your demise. Oh how quickly the unhealed portion of your insecurities simmer to the surface. Even though over the years I have worked on my self-worth, it shocks me how fast it can come back with a vengeance. I have to tell myself, “I know I’m a bad motherfucker, someone should be lucky to have me in their life.” Then it takes one guy on an app to make an “ugly comment,” how quickly it transports me back to 1994 in that dark, gym on the dance floor. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. I consciously know that is NOT my reality anymore, so why am I giving my power away to someone else?? My current reality is, I’m a catch and I own that fact! PERIOD!!
Trauma is a tricky beast. I ask, “What part of my brain do you live in??” Where is this file of “I Swear” stored so I can finally take it out and shred it. I refuse to let John Michael Montgomery affect my mental health anymore. I have now smashed this Cassette Tape forever…Good-Bye
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