This just hit me with a ton of bricks recently. Learning what this truly means. You always hear “You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.” Yeah, yeah, yeah… I get it. I thought I did this until recently. An epiphany hit me so hard, It knocked me on my ass for a few weeks. It’s been a slow recovery, but I needed it to level me up even more. I laid there lifeless in my bed, completely ready to just surrender everything to God. At one point I said, “just take me… I’m done…I can’t take this pain anymore.”
My ex left me (well abandoned me) back in September 2019. Almost 5 years ago!! This was not something I wanted. I begged him to stay. Looking back I feel so foolish. He loved me in the sense I was “safe” but not in the passionate love that my soul truly needs. He’s all I ever knew (we’ve been together since I was 16), so it was scary to let him go. I clung to hope that we would get back together. We tried a few times, but once I had that space to grow and reflect, every time I was around him, I could feel my soul saying “no!” . I began to listen more to my body when I’d have these feelings, and eventually, we went our separate ways.
In those five years, my focus was redirected from loss/devastation to healing, to now trying to find love with myself and others. The healing journey encompassed every corner of my life. From my mother, father, brother, stepfather, husband, friends, career and my spirituality. It’s been a long journey to say the least.
I’ve always put myself last. Making sure everyone else was OK before filling my cup. By the time I was going to focus on me, I was drained and I could never fill my cup up properly before the next cycle would begin again. The cycle of filling others equaled a physical and emotional drain on me. I was on the rinse and repeat cycle for years.
The “epiphany”…For five years, I seeked love externally. Whether this was from my ex or trying to find someone to date. I’ve had absolutely no luck. As embarrassing as this may sound, I’ve never had anyone ask me on a date. What a loser thing to say??! I’ve always been the one to initiate. I’ve come to realize this is called “chasing” energy and I’m making a conscious decision now that I am no longer going to be in that energy. I’m putting a stick in this cycle. I’m fucking breaking it because it’s getting me nowhere. I’m just spinning on the same cycle of seeking and yet nothing is happening. So why not change it and see what happens. It’s gotta be better than the current cycle.
As I’ve laid there, lifeless the last few weeks, reflecting on my journey, a lightbulb finally went off. Leah “Pull your energy back, stop seeking love externally.” Nobody will ever fill my cup up properly, other than myself. And once I start putting my own premium gas in my cup, which means I’m running at a high vibration (aka optimum performance) then will I naturally attract what is meant for me.
Reflecting back, I feel so selfish I put pressure on a guy to fill my “love” cup (subconsciously, of course). I apologize for anyone I ever did this to. It’s not fair to assume another person should take on the responsibility of not only making themselves happy, but also me. That’s alot of pressure to put on someone else!! I personally think when two people have each fully filled their own cup individually, will they naturally come together to have the most magical love experience. Which is what I’m looking for.
I consciously have been working on my self love, which is so hard to change your mindset after years of conditioning to think otherwise. I’ve had to establish boundaries with my parents and friends recently. Saying, “I love you, but I can’t take on your problems right now… I don’t have the capacity because I’m on empty… I need a moment to fill my cup first before I can address yours.“ Establishing boundaries and saying “no” was my first step. Each morning, I get up and I spend time with the Lord in prayer. I also look at myself in the mirror and say affirmations “You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are divinely guided.” I’ve also made a music playlist. I listen to it to get my day started and it’s called “High Vibes.” I put all the songs that make me get up and shake my ass on it. I feel like the shaking, breaks up the stale energy in my body and gets some type of flow going. I’m also not a dancer so you can imagine what I look like. I also incorporate bubble baths and physical touch, in the aspect of giving myself a hug. I know my person will eventually show up in my life, but they won’t until I truly accept myself and give myself the love first. No more chasing! I’m only attracting the love that is meant for me. On a side note- Applications are being accepted, but I’m not chasing you. 😉
God bless.
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